CHINA SENDS SUPER FISH… TO KILL US!

You may be wondering (yeah, you) why I’m writing about this for Midnight Movie Double Feature, because it sounds more like an environmental issue than one of horror, but if I know anything about freaks, it’s that we love a good monster.
This sounds too funny to be true, but you are about to see a hundred fish jump into a boat. The first video is from a Brazilian fishing show where a genius among fishermen, shows how fishing for carp can get you killed. For quite a while fishermen thought these kooky fish jumping into their boats from time to time was a fluke. A fluke known as “flying fish.” That is until one day this brain donor figured out why it was happening. The carp were leaping out of the water to eat low flying insects, and what are insects attracted to? Light. Just about anyone who fishes at night is likely to carry a flashlight to keep an eye out for gill-men, Ice Cube or Jon Voight. Well, Einstein here figured out that if a flashlight attracted an occasional bug (bug = fish or fish’) then a floodlight would…



…that was kind of funny, but the unfortunate bit is that goofball had enough synaptic static electricity in his melon to cut out the bit, no joking around, where a ten pounder shot from the water, knocked him unconscious and out of the boat and he nearly drowned.
Fishing for monsters in a rowboat with a floodlight in a river in Brazil – what could possibly go wrong?



The down side to this hilarity is that these fish, just like people have become an actual ecological threat, in the US.
The silver carp or the Asian Flying Carp as it has come to be known is a freshwater species that originated from north and northeast Asia.
Cultivated as a source of food for China and hysterically funny bio weapon to be deployed against the West. The silver carp was introduced to America in the 1970s to control algae growth in aquaculture and municipal wastewater treatment facilities.” Dear god! We’re being attacked by flying crap fish!
Who is actually to blame for this? An Arkansas fish farmer first introduced the silver carp to the U.S. from Asia in 1973. They were originally brought in to control algae and plankton in his fish farms then managed to escape into the Mississippi River Basin in the early 1980's.

The highly invasive species spread into the Illinois, Ohio and Missouri rivers and somehow Brazil.
An unforeseen problem was discovered in the silver carps tendency to grow to a size of forty pounds, and its ability to leap up to ten feet into the air when startled or electrocuted, see video below the image or if you’re lazy just look at the image. These dudes are actually shooting electricity into the water to show you how many fish are down below.




Did they kill all those fish or just make them angry?

Imagine the impact of having a forty pound fish drop on your head from ten feet. This is a scenario more horrifying than:



Nicknamed ‘flying carp for this activity, boaters, jet-skiers and fishermen have all encountered problems with the fish on the aforementioned rivers. In 2003 a woman on a jet-ski had her nose broken and a vertebrae cracked after colliding with a silver carp.
Asian Flying carp in the Great Lakes tributary system have been knocking fisherman senseless. If this trend continues it could be the end to the only thing on television more boring than golf or poker matches; fishing shows.
You have to love the Chinese government; they don’t really like us, so they put a virtual lean on our entire economy as our bottomless lending tree and have cleverly plotted to destroy the U.S fishing tackle and Jet Ski industries with a trained army of monster fish for nearly forty years.
Look how big their damn goldfish get:



To date there have been no reported mosquitofish fatalities but people have sustained serious injuries from these flying fish including fish-bonked unconscious, broken bones or knocked-out teeth.
Other nations who dislike us could learn a lesson from the Chinese, don’t threaten or attack us, just sell us some hideous, river conquering monster fish and we will willingly leak them into our ecosystem.
So remember, the enemy walks among us, but it doesn’t actually walk, it flies and it’s a fish.


Sic semper tyrannis,


CPR